Useless Babbling, Now With More Links
Ok. Since I promised I would do more with the "updating" and less with the "sitting at home and ignoring my blog", I decided to stop in today to make a couple of points.
First, I would like to point out that my apartment has officially pulled of a Career Trifecta, in that Kate ALSO just got a raise, and we rock. Yay Kate!
Secondly. Remember back a few years ago when it was determined that I
probably,
should not ever,
EVER,
date? Some things don't change. Of course, I think I need to blame myself for this one. When the advice from my supervisor in re: The Date is, "Just muster up as much of that ambivalence as you can", it might be a hint that my heart isn't really in it. Just a thought. See Also: when I am surrounded by available, interested guys who actually want a relationship, and I am attracted only to the 25 year old with no job who travels the country and is only there on a lark as well. So I think it is officially once again official- I simply don't have the time or the energy to take myself seriously enough for a relationship right now. Unless you are Jared Padalecki, in which case- call me!
And speaking of Jared Padalecki, I am relatively annoyed with myself for Tuesday night. I mean, it's one thing that when I am alone on a Saturday night I might watch a scary movie and freak myself out. This is fine. Do you know what is not fine?? Not being able to handle a TV SHOW on the WB without covering my eyes and fast forwarding through the scary parts. I love
Supernatural, but Christ people... shit scared the HELL out of me. Kate comes home from trivia all, "Hi, what are you up to?"
Me: "Hiding on the balcony because I am now afraid of the apartment."
Kate: "Oh. Um. I'm... home now, so the apartment... will not get you? So you can go to bed?"
She is intelligent enough to simply not watch the show; therefore she does not experience general unease and localized panic, at say, a lamp. But seriously? That lamp? On the show?
Nearly killed Jared Padalecki, my friends, and he may someday be my boyfriend. And I am totally not about significant others being killed by household appliances.
Anyway, this has been an insane week, and I have gone out a lot, which is strange because 1. I had stopped a lot of "going out on weekdays", 2. Especially because of law school, and 3. Especially 3 weeks before finals, but has been entertaining, if nothing else. And this weekend? HARRY POTTER WEEKEND.
Y'all know.
Ok, so I should probably get back to work, by which I mean "reading my Evidence assignment", because finals really are in less than three weeks and I am, to put it mildly, fucked. The good news is that, except for the spacebar, my computer is fully functional, so I am hoping that after a quick trip to Best Buy I will be actually able to type and update from home, like a sane person.
Note I said
like a sane person. I have no intention of getting all boring and sane.
There Seems To Be Some Residual Cookbook Anger, Here
Hi again. How are all of you out in lovely internet land? In case y'all couldn't tell, I am feeling a lot better. Also? Entirely cracked out. But a LOT. BETTER. Why am I feeling better? Well, there are lots and lots of reasons, but here is a quick rundown of the highlights:
1. I got a new job! Still in my agency, but for lot more money and for a new boss. One of these things HIGHLY outweighs the other, and it's probably not the one you think it is.
2. I decided to go home for Thanksgiving, and home is now Houston, meaning I get to go back to Texas! And that is healing, in a lot of ways.
3. Long, helpful e-mails with friends near and far, especially
Prairie- hang in there, hon. And keep writing e-mails.
4. Corporations? Is making far more sense that I had any right to expect it to, and there is a small chance I may not actually fail out of law school.
5. Insane city adventures with the Peanut, possibly involving four minute dating and the Peanut saying, deadpan to the bartender: Peanut: (holding out her empty rum and coke glass) "You see this $10 bill? I will give you this $10 bill if you fill this glass with vodka". Classic.
6. Did I mention I got a new job? Because, YAY.
7. Insane city cab rides involving a cute gay man who buys me cigarettes and a six pack of Miller Lite. Yeah, I said
cab ride.
8. E also got a job, so yay E and general happiness abounding in my apartment!
So see? Lots and lots to be happy about. Plus, Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, which means in
less than 2 weeks Kate and I can listen to Christmas music and decorate, a realization that caused much excitement last night. My building sponsored a little traveling bookstore* today, and I bought 4 Christmas CD's in anticipation.
* Sidenote on the book store. The selection of books was almost entirely children's books and self help books with the word "God" in their titles. And there was a book called "1000 Places You Must See Before You Die". Now, seriously. If you are living your life, and have some brain cells IN YOUR HEAD, and you cannot come up with your own list of places to see before you die, and you have to rely on a GENERIC, MASS PUBLISHED book to tell you what you must do to live a meaningful life, you may as well already be dead. But that's just my thoughts on the matter.
My other thoughts? Come from the "Six Ingredients or Less" cookbook. I can't help but feel like if it's only six ingredients, I probably can figure it out for myself. It's like when I look in the SBD cookbook, and there are recipes like, "Turkey Wraps", and it proceeds as follows:
1. Lay tortilla on plate.
2. Put 2 slices turkey on tortilla.
3. Spread one tablespoon mustard on turkey.
4. Roll up and enjoy.
I mean, yes, that is, in fact, a "Turkey Wrap", but... I mean, are there actually people out there who cannot manage this without instructions?!? To whom it has never occurred that mustard and turkey might pair nicely? People who get all the way to step 4 and are just like, "OH!
Now I get it!"? Come on, people. When I see a recipe for a "Turkey Wrap", I want instructions on how to baste and roast the turkey, create a lovely Dijon from mustard seeds and vinegar and bake my own damn rosemary lavash. (note, I would probably never actually do this, but that's the kind of cookbook I want).
So the bookstore was relatively useless, although I did manage to procure my aforementioned Christmas music, a Far Side desk calendar, and a Christmas themed fleece blanket (oh, don't even
ask).
Anyway, I should get back to work, but I wanted to stop by and say that yes, I am doing better, and things should start heating up here in the next few weeks...
You'll see.
Ok
So. Everything in my life is going ok. Work is ok. School is pretty ok. Money is ok. Family is ok. Friends are ok.
I? I am… not.
I don’t know why, exactly, I’m not. It’s not that things are bad, per se, it’s more that I simply don’t care. I’m going to work and I’m going to class and I’m coming home and at no point do I actually feel connected or plugged into any of it. I’m not sad, I’m not… anything. I’m not emotionally invested even a little bit. Good and bad things are still happening, and it’s like, work gave you a really nice award! And you’re falling really behind in school! And your friends got engaged! And you’re having a party! And I’m all like, “meh”. And then I’ll be walking around the grocery store, passing the meat section, and the thought of chicken apple sausages will tear through me and the strength of the emotion will practically bring me to my knees*.
And this? This is not good.
I’m not Big D Depressed. But I’m also not just “having a bad day”. And I don’t even think that all of what I am going through or thinking about or feeling or not feeling is bad. I spent some time outside of my life. I saw things, I felt things, I learned things. That changed me in some ways. And I think it is really good to take the time so that instead of trying to cram the changed me into the same life, I’m also examining that life to see if maybe it needs to be altered some to fit around the changed me. And there were things about my life I was unhappy about or ignoring or not totally facing, so it’s good to think about those things, too. And at the same time there are things that I love about my life, and I need to realize that and focus on them, as well.
But there’s a line between “taking some time for me”, and “withdrawing from the world”. There’s a difference between being introspective and hiding out. And there’s a HUGE difference between re-evaluating some priorities and re-evaluating your entire sense of self worth. One leads to being a stronger, happier, steadier person. One leads to a giant black hole.
I don’t want to go anywhere NEAR that hole.
So I’m going to force myself back. I’m going to use this blog more. And sometimes it may contain more than the funny stories it usually does. Because maybe I wasn’t always real here. And maybe that means I wasn’t always real in person. And maybe I wasn’t always real to myself. Which may be ok sometimes, I don’t know. But I want to try being more real here, and see what works. And… I was going to type, “I want to write about Texas.” But… I don’t. I don’t want to necessarily, but I think I may need to, so at some point I am probably going to attempt to do that.
I want to thank Kate, and the Peanut, because honestly without them I think I might have given in to the urge to just stay in bed. And I’m sure I haven’t been much fun the past three weeks, and I really, REALLY appreciate the support. Thanks, guys. And thanks to SD, who without knowing it has given me more smiles and more things to think about than I have had in a long time.
Well. THAT was pleasant. I’m resisting the urge to apologize for the heavy entry. Instead, I will just say that now that I have this out, I may be able to type here again easier. And when I can, I SO have a story about Ninja Horses.
Yep. Ninja. Horses.
Take care!
* There is an actual reason for this. I have not just randomly become deeply emotionally invested in poultry products.
