Saturday, August 23, 2008

Only Halfway Through Day Two

You Might Be Watching Too Much Animal Planet and Cesar Milan If:

You are making a sandwich, and the container holding the tomatoes gets stuck, and you find yourself giving it a low growl to show that it cannot establish dominance over you.

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Day One

So, the Joker had to leave on entirely bad and unfortunate circumstances. Everyone: Good thoughts for the Joker's family. And now I am alone with the dog and the cat.

Now, our dog is actually an extremely good dog, as far as big puppies from shelters go. She is not at all aggressive. I can reach into her mouth and take out whatever she decided to eat. She never attacks my cat. She doesn't bite. She doesn't jump.


Two words. Separation. Anxiety.

Dog cannot be in a different room. Dog cannot be anywhere that she can't see us. And also, dog is a little worried about the crate. This is a problem when I am alone, because I like to do things like shower.

So, there is adjustment. However, my dog just proved why she is kind of awesome. Now note, that when Joker fell in love with the word "housebroken", apparently the person who wrote that was also a blogger because it was followed by: "almost." And it's true. In 9 days, there have been about 4 accidents, at least 2 of which were our fault. So earlier tonight, I took pup out, and it went like this:

Pup: By door.

Me: Let's go out!

Pup: Goes bathroom.

Me: YAY!

Pup: Sleeping. For hours.

Me: Let's go out!

Pup: But... Maybe I would like to sleep, but OH MY GOD YOU ARE LEAVING! I WILL GO TOO!

Pup: Goes bathroom.

Me: YAY! Have figured out secret pup speak!

We come in.

Pup: By door.

Me: Really? But we just... ok.

Pup: I am OUT! There is a frog! And a dog! YAY! (does not go.)

Me: Drats. Foiled again.

Two hours later.

Pup: By door.

Me: OOOh, no, Sneaky Pup. Do you have to go?

Pup: By door.

Me: NO. Am smart.

Time passes. Pup by door.

Me: Ok. Let's go.

Pup: Goes. Then again.

Me: Wow. Good pup, with the waiting.

Sprinklers: Go on, seconds after pup goes.

Me: Thank god.

We live in an incredibly dog friendly complex. There are several green areas, and all of them are equipped with doggie bags. But our dog? Likes to go in one particular place, that is not "open", and is more "landscaping". Which is fine, because I clean up, but also, I think that if she had gone 5 minutes later, and there had been sprinklers, things would have gotten Ugly.

(By the way? My dog? With "not aggressive" also goes "afraid of things", and so far that includes things like "potatoes" (don't ask), so sprinklers could have been the end.)

We have four days to go.

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Thursday, August 21, 2008

And Then There Were Four. Or, Welcome Piper!

So. The post about the Exciting Thing has been somewhat delayed, mostly due to the fact that the Exciting Thing broke the camera, so there are no pictures. This is unfortunate, but the only picture I have right now is on my phone and I have no idea how to make it go from there to the computer. We even went and bought a disposable camera, and have some great pictures, but they will not be developed for awhile. So here is the post, and the story, pictures later.

BUT! Y'all, the Exciting Thing is SO. EXCITING. that I am totally not even over it yet. Because right now, napping at my feet, is Piper, our very own puppy.


Ok, you have to understand, I have wanted a dog for literally two decades. But most of those decades were spent in my parents house, and their answer to the constant litany of "Can I have a dog" was always, simply, NO. Then I went to college, and although one couple on our floor managed to sneak a puppy in for awhile (also on our floor: Guy who turned the study lounge into a hotel room, raves, and attack roaches), I really didn't think it was overall a good plan. Then, for years, I was running around in high heels and causing trouble and maybe not often sleeping at my own house. So I did what any red blooded girl who desperately wants a puppy but can't commit, and got a cat.

Then law school happened and I lived with the fabulous Canadian family and they? Tolerated Jake fabulously but somehow turned into my parents when the subject of a dog came up. (Read: NO). But then I got together with the Joker and we had many conversations that went like this:

Me: Can I have a puppy?

Joker: Yes, once we move.

(we moved).

Me: Can I have a puppy?

Joker: Yes, after the bar and California.

(takes bar, returns from California).

Me: Can I have a puppy?

Joker: Sure, lets get one! TODAY.

And my parents, who apparently have no aversion to dogs belonging to other people, got very excited and we all trooped down to the local shelter.

Which proceeded to BREAK MY HEART, Y'ALL, SERIOUSLY. Too many puppies and kitties and older dogs. Pets are family. They are not expendable. You don't get to just get rid of them when they become an inconvenience. But anyway.

We walked through a couple rooms, and then came to one cage where there were two puppies and the word that made the Joker fall in love, "housebroken". Somehow, we ended up with one of them on a leash, and then the next Wednesday we took her home.

Piper is a 30 pound, 5 month old black lab mix. There is some question as to what she is mixed with, possibly border collie. She has giant ears and usually one is up and one flops down. She is darling and precious and I am so in love with this dog.

We have had her just over a week and she is starting to relax and feel at home. (Read: Be BAD). We have her trained to sit (usually), lay down (usually), stay (for awhile), and fetch (when she wants to). She is a little too attached to us right now (read: Me) and we have to work on leaving her alone in her crate longer so she doesn't get stressed out.

Jakers is doing ok with the whole thing. Do not get me wrong. He hates the dog. He might slightly hate us for getting the dog. Sometimes when she is walking by he swipes at her for no reason at all. He growls and hisses and puffs up. He wants attention from me constantly. He lives on the counter now. He drinks her water. He climbs up on her crate at night and taunts her. I am still completely in love with my cat.

But life will never be the same. The Joker has a family emergency and has to leave, so for the next few days it is me, alone in the house with a dog and a cat who hate each other. Plus I have to ease her separation anxiety and I probably will never sleep.

But y'all.


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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

That's Why It Is Spelled With All The "Y"s

Hello! Welcome to the Post-Bar life. The Post-Bar life is wonderful and snuggly and drinky, especially when compared to the Pre-Bar life, which was studyful and whimpery and Y'ALL IT REALLY, REALLY SUCKED, AND I COMPLAIN IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM CLEARLY THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER HAD TO TAKE IT, EVER.

But anyway, it is over, and my little Bar Clan all seems to feel relatively positive about the whole thing, mostly positive that it is over and we can drink again. And since the bar I have done awesome things, including:

1. Going to a beach house in California with the Joker's family. (Who are technically also my family, with the whole marriage thing, which is neat, because they are generally awesome people who do things like vacation in beach houses in California and invite the Joker and self to come vacation with them, for free. Yay for family!)

2. Going kayaking near Monteray with otters, seals, and seal lions. (Also a state judge, but he was in a kayak, not the water.)

3. Fail to convince the Joker that because we have a giant, separate bathtub, I should be able to take an otter home to live in said bathtub.

4. Joker is MEAN.

5. Went to Carmel and found the Coach outlet. 'Nuff said.

6. Also did a bit of shopping in the mall, because after the bar exam and the 36 hours of drinking that followed, I forgot to pack any pants. And I could not live for a full week with one pair of jeans worn on plane and one skirt.

7. Went wine tasting, joined a wine club, and have several metric tons of wine being delivered.

But the last thing that I did that was cool (and that does not involve the thing that is happening today, which is the exciting thing, which is why I have to type this now, so I can type later about today's super exciting thing) also involves Me Being a Moron.

Oh y'all. I am not a stupid girl, overall. (See above, re: Bar, taking of). But there are things I simply do not know. And I do not like to not know things. Have you ever seen that trick of the eye thing where there is the paragraph written with no vowels or whatever and they say that most people can read it because their brain just fills in the missing information? Well see, sometimes my brain does this and fills in information and I feel much better about life. Unfortunately, the blanks that my mind "fills in"? Not always with even remotely correct information. And this can be... problematic.

Another perk of this new family thing happened last Saturday, when the Joker was all, "My Uncle drives for Lynyrd Skynyrd, and they are playing a concert in Houston by where your parents live, and we all have free tickets and maybe you can meet the band." And I am like, Whoo! Because, that is AWESOME. Except, when we get to the concert, I am also all, "Um, what does Lynyrd Skynyrd sing again?"

Because I do not know who sings songs. Ever. I will know all of the words and if you steal a riff from one song I will be able to tell you it is stolen. But I will not know who sang it. Ever.

So Joker is all, "Sweet Home Alabama? Freebird??"

And I am all, "OH! I KNOW THOSE SONGS!" (Note: I know Freebird because when I was in school and my friend the Musician would play and sing, everyone would yell "Freebird!" ironically. So I determined that that was 1. A song, and 2. downloaded it, and therefore knew what the hell people were talking about.)

Self: "Wait! So people will be yelling Freebird here, unironically!"

Parents and Joker: "..."

So I was excited, but also confused, because Joker kept saying things like, "Johnny", and I was trying to figure out who "Lynyrd" was.

No, really.


I have honestly thought my whole life that Lynyrd Skynyrd? Was a man named Leonard.

So later on, the screen behind the band began to show all these names, who turned out to be members of the band, because the band has been around for eleventy million years and it is a BAND, and not a PERSON. So I am watching the screen, and I am waiting, because I am pretty sure that after all these names, the name LEONARD will go up in lights, and everyone will scream, and I want to be on top of this, because I am good at screaming. But... No Leonard.

This is where I begin to think I have misunderstood things, and I realize this is a particularly bad misunderstanding, because when the concert is over I may be MEETING these people, and I should probably figure out who Leonard is BEFORE THAT.

Self: "Um, who is that lead singer?"

Joker: "That's Johnny."

Self: "Johnny?"

Joker: "Yes."

Self: "But.. ok, who is Leonard?"

Joker: "Wait. Seriously? WE JUST WENT OVER THIS. No one on that stage is named Leonard."

Self: "But.... I don't... Huh?" (I was flummoxed. This was honestly a giant revelation for me).

Self: (to mother) "Did you know no one on that stage is named Leonard??"

Mother: "Yes, because the band has been around for eleventy billion years and I did not, as you apparently did, spend the majority of them UNDER A ROCK."

Joker: (sighs. A lot.) "Don't you see how it is spelled? It is Lynyrd, not Leonard."

Self: (Just thought that was a stage spelling? Of "Leonard"? Sigh.)

So anyway, the concert blew me away both because of its general awesomeness and also because of my entirely stupid misconceptions. Then Kid Rock came on, and even though HIS name is actually "Bob" (the HELL??) he also did a whole thing where he's all, "What's my name?" and the whole audience says, "Kid Rock Rock", and I felt very confident announcing to my poor suffering mother, who clearly wished she were sitting on the other side of my father,

"That guy? Is ACTUALLY called Kid Rock. It's not like where there is no Leonard."

Anyway, we DID meet Johnny Van Zant, and he is totally nice and awesome and I did not call him Leonard, much to the relief of the Joker.

And that is the Post-Bar life so far, except for the major thing about today, which I will talk about later.

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