Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Ministry of Space and Fortified Wine

Let me just give you an example of how my life has been going lately:

In my office, there is a crash:

Supervisor: (running out of her office). “What was that? Did someone fall over?”

Me: (struck by hilarious implications of that reaction) “Wait. What does it say about our office that the first thought you had when you heard a crash was “Did someone fall over? Is this… is this a frequent occurrence?”

My Boss: (from inside his office) “It says that the average age of this office is 110.” (loud, pregnant pause). “Or, drunk.”

So, there you have it y’all, the average age of my office is “drunk”.

(Do I have to elaborate on how happy that makes me?)

Anyway, Kate and E are finally home, (because they LEFT ME, ALL ALONE for many, many days, and they are just damn lucky I didn’t have another cockroach situation, because I would have simply left the apartment and not returned. Or, maybe I am the lucky one in that situation? Dunno.) Anyway, the night they came home there was much rejoicing and shrieking and hugging (ok, that was mainly me) along with copious drinking and breaking of glassware, which, stunningly, was not me at all.

But I think it’s entirely possible that everyone has lost their minds this week, or at least MY friends, as is evidenced by the following gmail conversation with A:

A: “Oh cool, there’s a new planet?”

Me: “No. There are THREE new planets.”

A: “There are three… The HELL?”

Me: “I know. It’s like, how the Hell did we miss them for so long?”

A: “Our Ministry of Space and Fortified Wine would not have missed them.”

Me: “Right! Our… What? We have a Ministry of Space and Fortified Wine???”

A: “Of course. Why would we not?”

Just in case you were wondering, A’s and my Government of Made Up Ministries also includes the Ministry of Censorship and Brewing.

But I blame the insanity on one thing, and one thing only.

Snakes. On a PLANE.

Which totally opens tonight, and people are going to come to my house and drink beverages and then we are all going, en masse, to the midnight showing.

I suggest you all do the same.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Things I Have Been Doing Instead of Blogging

Hi! Ok, so yeah, not so much with the writing lately. This entry is my sad attempt to prove that the reason I have not updated since the Clinton administration (sigh… moment of silence for the Clinton- or as we like to refer to it- when the President was not batshit crazy Tom Cruise level insane- administration) is because I am leading such an incredibly busy and varied life I could not possibly have the time. And not because, you know, I am sad and boring and kind of lazy. So.

Things I Have Been Doing Instead of Blogging

1. Fixing My Car

Heh. My car. See, people, I do not like to drive. At ALL. It scares me kind of a lot. And even though I have a car, it seldom gets used. I mean it, y’all- I have had the car for 3 years now. It has 5,600 miles on it. Yeah.

Anyway, I don’t drive it much, and at one point when I went to start it (ok, that’s a lie. I did not in any way go to start it. That would be scary. Kate went to borrow it is more like the truth), it would not start. I wasn’t sure if I had left a light on the last time I had driven it, (ok, here I go again with the lying. I had not driven it last. S had. People, I Do. Not. Drive.) or if it just died of loneliness, but the car? It was dead.

Now, logic would dictate that I simply jump the damn car, but I was busy, and also? When you jump a car, don’t you need to like, drive it around for a bit to charge the battery? (Scary). So I put it out of my mind.

For months.

Maybe, like, 10 of them.

Finally, I decided that I really HAD to get the car fixed. But at this point, I was afraid to just jump it, because it had kind of been sitting filled with explosive fluids for a long time, and people who actually know things about cars other than what color they are would hear about my situation and give me that look of DOOM. So I was freaked out.

Luckily, my car is somehow still under warranty and VW is wonderful and came out to tow it (for free) and take it to the dealership where they fixed it (for free). But of course, I cannot simply behave like a normal human being and had to make a complete ass out of myself. This is the conversation I had with the very nice mechanic at VW.

Me: "My car is getting towed in, do I have to come with it?"

Mechanic: "Nope! So, what is wrong? Is it the battery?"

Me: "Well, yes. But see, the thing is that the car hasn't been driven in a long time, and I need to make sure everything still works."

Mechanic: "No problem, we do a free check for you when you bring it in."

Me: "NO. Really. It hasn't been driven in a long time. I do not want it to explode."

Mechanic. "..." (laughter).

So, yes. I just informed the mechanic, a man who fixes cars as a professional career, that I would really appreciate it if he did not MAKE MY CAR EXPLODE.

(The good news is, the car was fine.)

2. (Bet you forgot there was a list here, huh?) Coming Up With Brilliant Reality TV Show Ideas

So, E and I are maybe completely and totally and also utterly addicted to reality TV. Like, we watch Hells Kitchen and So You Think You Can Dance and Project Runway AND America’s Got Talent AND Rockstar: Supernova. And Supernanny. And Wife Swap. And… and you get the picture.

Everyone says that reality TV has pretty much done it all. Exploited all they can exploit, broken down all social barriers of decency and basic humanity. But they are wrong. E and I have come up with the World’s Next Reality TV Sensation:

Stockholm Syndrome:

“These people thought they were just running to the bank. Little did they know their lives were about to change. (show clip of bank being held up by 5 men in masks). Now these 5 hostage takers need to make as many of the hostages fall for them as possible. The winner gets One Million Dollars.

The security cameras are really our cameras. The challenge for these 5 men is high. No one is in actual danger, but they don’t know that.

And don’t feel left out America! Each week, YOU will vote on your favorite hostage/bankrobber couple. The couple who ends up as America’s favorite will win a very special surprise.

Tune in to Stockholm Syndrome- Tuesdays at 9.”

(Ok, yeah. Maybe E and I need to get out more.)

3. Um. That’s… that’s all I can think of right now.

Seriously y’all, a LOT has been going on here, but it all has to remain kind of secret and not posted online right now. Hopefully in awhile (maybe a few months) there will be a big huge entry that will explain everything. For now, I am just going to continue to insult professionals with insane requests involving them blowing up my car and watch reality TV.