Thursday, March 29, 2007

In Which A Simple Question Gets Entirely Out of Hand

Me: (to S) “Are pistachios like mussels, in that you should only eat the open ones?”

S: “I have one sitting on my desk at this moment that has been here for a week as I contemplate that very question.”

Me: “Seems like a lot of effort for one pistachio. I have a giant bag of them, I’ve just been throwing the closed ones away.”

S: “Hmm.. Well, says here that they split because they are ripe. And… huh. And also… “"Large quantities of pistachio nuts are self-heating, and prone to spontaneous combustion."

Me: “….”

S: “Which, to be honest, seems really weird.”

Me: “Seems really weird?? My snack food is going to EXPLODE and you think it SEEMS WEIRD??”

S: “Combust, Citycat, not explode. A subtle difference.”

Peanut: (another gchat window.) “I am going to type you because I have no idea you have already quite lost your mind.”

Me: (to Peanut): “Did you know "Large quantities of pistachio nuts are self-heating, and prone to spontaneous combustion."”???

Peanut: “I… no. No, I did not know that? What?? What is a ‘large quantity’”??


S: “Apparently, walnuts do this too. Do you think people in Alaska can use large quantities of nuts to heat their homes?”

Me: (to Peanut): “Walnuts do it too.”

Peanut: “Great. JUST GREAT. I am afraid of nuts now. HAPPY?”

Me: “Um.”

Peanut: “I don’t want to go into the city for this meeting. Can I tell my boss I’m sick?”

Me: “Tell him your nuts exploded.”

Yeah, that’s how things have been going, the above conversation also occurred on a day when I had a conversation about Jesus bread and the proper pairing of alcohol with illegal narcotics. (Heroin and red wine, cocaine with a nice white wine spritzer…)

Work has lost its mind, yet again, but this time in even more creative ways. Classes are going pretty well, except earlier this week we were discussing a negligent homicide case where a small child died, and my professor stated the following: “Babies are scary. I almost lost one once. Just luck that it lived.” Really?? My professor almost KILLED his CHILD? Good to know, Dr. Creepy.

Provided everything continue to stay on course, the Joker and I embark on a cross country drive tomorrow to transport my car down to Texas. Stories to come! Happy weekend!

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Friends Are There To Bitch With You...

But It's Maybe Not Such A Good Idea To Bitch During Class

Tuesdays are my interminable days, I have a full day's work and four hours of classes and people wonder why I can't show up to baseball games. Anyway, last night Peanut FINALLY signed on, after having been MIA for days, which is simply not fair, especially when I have things to complain about. Which... Hi, have we met?

Anyway, again gchat is the devil and we all need more sleep, as evidenced by the following:

Citycat: "Hi! You are back!"

Peanut: "Yes. But I am grumpy and hate all life."

Citycat: "Oh, I hate it when that happens. Um, would wine help? (I find wine helps.)"

Peanut: "NO."

"Sorry, am a bitch today."

Citycat: "No problem, I get it. Also..." (proceeds to complain about various complainy type things.)

Peanut: "Bitch."

"I'll kick her ass."

"Mainly because I just need an ass to kick."

Citycat: "Fair enough."

Peanut: (continues to complain about work, e-mails, life.)

Peanut: "Ok, seriously. Give me somebody's ass to dick."

............ "Kick!"

Citycat: "Ahem."

Peanut: "That was a bad bad slip. Ok, so now I am laughing. Hard. (No pun intended)."

Citycat: "So am I. And that is a bad thing, because we are talking about the death penalty and that's not funny."

Peanut: "HA HA HA. Am crying now."

Citycat: "Me too, which... maybe professor thinks tears are sadness over death penalty?"

Peanut: "Probably not."

Citycat: "No. But "give me somebody's ass to dick" needs to be your little myspace thing."

Peanut: "I don't know how I feel about that."

Citycat: "You know I'm blogging this, right?"

Peanut: "I hate you."

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Yeah, It's Pretty Much Like That

I'm not so angry anymore, which is nice, and even nicer for those around me, as the Joker has lost that haunted look he was starting to get around the eyes. Unfortunately, I have apparently replaced the Angry with the Crazy, because I have lost my mind entirely. In the past weeks I have:

- Cut myself relatively severely with A. Scissors, and B. Paper.

- Missed my stop on the last metro and wandered drunkenly around suburban MD at three in the morning until I literally coerced a non-working cab into driving me home.

- Was in the same actual physical room as Kiefer Sutherland.

- Did not die of heart attack while in the same physical room as Kiefer Sutherland.

- Decided, once again, that it was a good idea to trim my own bangs.

- Reaffirmed that it is, in fact, NOT a good idea to trim ones own bangs.

- Did not make an appointment to get my hair done for fear that she will yell at me about aforesaid trimming.

Are you getting the drift here? I AM NOT WELL, PEOPLE.

But at least I am not alone. I go crazy, I bring the troops with me. I will leave you with an actual, barely edited conversation between myself and S today:

What Aurochs Have to Do With Law School, Or, A Defense of Kosher Pork

: Sigh. I canNOT believe I am about to seriously ask this question, but what was the name of the giant wild cow that the Russian "made up”?

I actually need it to make a point in animal law.

S: You're kidding. Okay, I'm trying to remember the cow. Do you have any more context?

Citycat: It was his going away party, we were sitting around your living room before we ate and he brought up this giant cow thing, and we laughed, and he wikipediaed it, and we accused him of making that up, too. And then the Brit said something insane and we all believed him because he's British and we determined that American’s believe anything said with a British accent.

S: An auroch!

Citycat: YES!

S: You're referencing aurochs in animal rights law?

Citycat: Thanks, how on EARTH did you come up with that?

S: Because I know about them. I was big into ancient animals for a while when I was a kid. Particularly big versions of current mammals.

Citycat: No, not aurochs per se. We are looking at the Japanese and Norwegian arguments towards whaling.

S: The name's about all I remember now.

Citycat: And I wanted aurochs as an example of a wild animal species going extinct because we ate it.

S: Gotcha

Citycat: And that sentence seems funny to me, even though it's actually sad.

S: "Because we ate it" just sounds like it should be a punchline.

Citycat: I know. (Continues reading). Miso soup is whale? Ew.

S: Wait, what? I always thought it was vegetarian.

That would be a particularly cruel joke.

Citycat: (Reads more carefully). Apparently it has varieties.

But yes, that would be a special kind of evil

S: Ha! When I said soybeans, I actually meant whale!

You are now cast out from the ranks of vegans.

Citycat: That is just mean. I eat meat happily, and wouldn't eat whale.

S: Yeah. I eat stupid animals.

Citycat: Or dolphin. Or veal or lamb, because I pick and choose my ethical stance on meat based entirely on friendliness and cuteness.

S: (grin).

Citycat: So many sentences in this conversation are striking me as hilarious.

S: Hey, I'm completely behind basing your value system on aesthetics.

Citycat: That is true, you have an uncanny ability to base ethics on aesthetics instead of anything remotely moral.

S: :)

Citycat: I mean, who can really get worked up about a chicken?

S: I was thinking, that may in effect mean that my entire system of morals is itself amoral.

Citycat: But I have to add taste I guess, because I do feel bad about pigs, because they are smart, social animals and what happens to them is terrible.

....But bacon is sooo delicious.

S: Yeah. Pigs are where my statement about stupid animals falls into hypocrisy.

Citycat: Yeah. I should stop eating pig

Or, only eat humanely slaughtered pig

S: Kosher pork.

Someone should sell it.

Anyway, I have to run

We'll continue this absurdity later.

As will I, y'all.

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