Thursday, October 17, 2013

And Now I Have to Move Again

Yes, I am suddenly blogging again after over a year.  I'm not even going to TRY to explain it, except that I did survive to beat Jesus, and then promptly seriously injured myself in like ALL THE POSSIBLE WAYS, but I am currently all in one, non-broken piece and I should probably go knock on wood right now because the Joker keeps warning me about statements like that.

SO!  It has been many months and so much has changed.  Mostly, I got a new job, and it is amazing, and I have spent the last 11 months slowly unclenching.  For the first several months I physically jumped every time my boss came near me.   This was, to say the least, disconcerting for all involved. My co-workers have pretty much all come to the determination that my old job/boss "really fucked [you] up", but things are gloriously better now. My new boss is literally one of my favorite people on the planet and not waking up with a feeling of dread every morning and not having a panic attack every time my blackberry goes off has been glorious.

We also moved into a new house, which I managed to do while ALSO working 18+ hour days AND we threw a huge fourth of July party six days after we moved in.  I pretty much took one look at this house on and informed the Joker that the 12 foot fountain and imported palm trees in the backyard were the tackiest things I had ever seen in my life and I had to have it.  Which brings me to the purpose of this post:

Scenes From The New Backyard:

Ashley and I chatting.  I look up. That is a leaf. That is a leaf. Thatisaleafthatisaleafthat... "Ashley?  Is that... a giant fucking spider?!?!"

Ashley: Screaming, running.  "That is the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen in my life!!"

Me: "Get. Joker."

Ashley goes inside, Joker comes down.

Joker: "Fuck.  I have a plan."

Me:  "I'll be inside."

Joker: Gets hose, attacks spider.

Ashley: Also comes inside.

Spider: Not remotely fazed by water.

Joker: Starting to look concerned.

Dogs: also come inside.

Me: Goes and gets a broom.  "Here, use this."

Joker: Doubtful. Pokes at spider with broom. "That is the biggest fucking spider I have ever seen."

Spider: Moves.

Ashley and I: Screaming. So much screaming.

Joker: "STOP SCARING ME LIKE THAT.  Great. It went higher."

Ashley, dogs and I: Cowering in house."

Joker: "New plan. I think we should all just stay inside."

Thank god we have a pest guy coming Friday.  Until then, I'll be on the roof deck.