Sunday, November 01, 2009

Oatmeal of Biblical Proportions

It's apparently November, which I think is a giant cosmic lie, because as far as I am concerned it is still March and therefore I posted just last month so I don't have to feel guilty and that is my story and I'm sticking to it.

Work has gotten comfortably busy, which is good, but also means that I don't do things like go to the gym or cook anymore. Which seriously sucks, especially since my ass is now expanding at a higher rate of speed than I can buy new pants. I also have a gorgeous backyard for wine drinking and an unhealthy obsession with true crime television, so I tend to stay up late first drinking wine and then watching Tru T.V., activities which do not in any way contribute to a smaller ass, so much.

That is not to say that I have not noticed this problem before. Almost every week I make brilliant plans for the healthy eating and the working out and the less wine and the more sleep. And then sometime around Tuesday I walk into work and there are cookies or cake or breakfast tacos and I get home late and the Joker suggests ordering in and finally I just say screw it and pour myself a zinfandel entree followed by a zinfandel dessert. Then I snuggle with my dog in bed and let the TV instruct me on how to commit the perfect crime.

However, I generally go the grocery store with the best of the intentions, and then the Joker will go to the grocery store and I will instruct him with the best of intentions, and this has led to the somewhat unexpected result of our house being innundated with oatmeal.

No, seriously. The other day in a fit of cooking I was looking in the pantry for something, and found a box of oatmeal. On top of a box of oatmeal. And on the next shelf? Two more boxes of oatmeal. And then another box.

Y'all? That is 5 boxes of oatmeal. 40 packets of oatmeal. I could outlast Noah's damn flood on oatmeal alone. Apparently there was a sale on oatmeal. And Joker and I both bought the oatmeal, and then apparently I hid all the oatmeal so we bought more.

So now I am eating oatmeal every morning for breakfast, and giving oatmeal away to co-workers, and oatmeal has generally become a far bigger part of my life than I had any intention of it becoming. But I guess if it leads to ass shrinkage, I can't complain.

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