Friday, November 04, 2005


So. Everything in my life is going ok. Work is ok. School is pretty ok. Money is ok. Family is ok. Friends are ok.

I? I am… not.

I don’t know why, exactly, I’m not. It’s not that things are bad, per se, it’s more that I simply don’t care. I’m going to work and I’m going to class and I’m coming home and at no point do I actually feel connected or plugged into any of it. I’m not sad, I’m not… anything. I’m not emotionally invested even a little bit. Good and bad things are still happening, and it’s like, work gave you a really nice award! And you’re falling really behind in school! And your friends got engaged! And you’re having a party! And I’m all like, “meh”. And then I’ll be walking around the grocery store, passing the meat section, and the thought of chicken apple sausages will tear through me and the strength of the emotion will practically bring me to my knees*.

And this? This is not good.

I’m not Big D Depressed. But I’m also not just “having a bad day”. And I don’t even think that all of what I am going through or thinking about or feeling or not feeling is bad. I spent some time outside of my life. I saw things, I felt things, I learned things. That changed me in some ways. And I think it is really good to take the time so that instead of trying to cram the changed me into the same life, I’m also examining that life to see if maybe it needs to be altered some to fit around the changed me. And there were things about my life I was unhappy about or ignoring or not totally facing, so it’s good to think about those things, too. And at the same time there are things that I love about my life, and I need to realize that and focus on them, as well.

But there’s a line between “taking some time for me”, and “withdrawing from the world”. There’s a difference between being introspective and hiding out. And there’s a HUGE difference between re-evaluating some priorities and re-evaluating your entire sense of self worth. One leads to being a stronger, happier, steadier person. One leads to a giant black hole.

I don’t want to go anywhere NEAR that hole.

So I’m going to force myself back. I’m going to use this blog more. And sometimes it may contain more than the funny stories it usually does. Because maybe I wasn’t always real here. And maybe that means I wasn’t always real in person. And maybe I wasn’t always real to myself. Which may be ok sometimes, I don’t know. But I want to try being more real here, and see what works. And… I was going to type, “I want to write about Texas.” But… I don’t. I don’t want to necessarily, but I think I may need to, so at some point I am probably going to attempt to do that.

I want to thank Kate, and the Peanut, because honestly without them I think I might have given in to the urge to just stay in bed. And I’m sure I haven’t been much fun the past three weeks, and I really, REALLY appreciate the support. Thanks, guys. And thanks to SD, who without knowing it has given me more smiles and more things to think about than I have had in a long time.

Well. THAT was pleasant. I’m resisting the urge to apologize for the heavy entry. Instead, I will just say that now that I have this out, I may be able to type here again easier. And when I can, I SO have a story about Ninja Horses.

Yep. Ninja. Horses.

Take care!

* There is an actual reason for this. I have not just randomly become deeply emotionally invested in poultry products.