Friday, July 14, 2006

I Am No Longer Amused By This Whole Nature Thing

(This entry contains a lot of bad words. This is because a Very Bad Thing happened to me).

Ok. So I did yardwork. And we killed creatures and it was funny. And then Peanut and I got poison sumac, and that was less funny, but still kind of amusing in the “poison sumac? Who the hell gets poison sumac?” kind of way. And then the hail happened, and that was a LOT less funny, and far more on the ouchy scary side of things. But now? Now nature has gone too far. Nature needs to give it a fucking rest already, because I live in a highrise apartment in a city and there is no reason for my summer to involve this level of battle with something that I by all rights should never encounter.

Wednesday night I went to the gym, and when I came home my apartment was filled with people, wine, and sushi. (Which seriously, is possibly one of the best ways to come home ever. I highly recommend all of you go out and get a roommate who fills the house with people, wine, and sushi, so all you have to do is show up for Instant Party.) And everyone was there for the debut of Project Runway, of course, because my apartment is the gathering point for all things reality TV related. So we were up kind of late, having the normal Project Runway debates, (Keith: Hot or kind of looks like a weasel? Could Tim Gunn BE any more awesome?), and finally everyone left and Kate and E went to bed.

And I went to shower. Like any normal human being.

So I am in the shower, and I am shampooing and lalala everything is fine, everything is just awesome and wonderful and the water is warm and relaxing and life is good and I turn around and look up and



In the shower.


Oh, y’all. This is just so not ok on SO. MANY. LEVELS. The shower? My private time. No one and nothing gets to come into the shower with me without express permission, which I assure you, the roach did not have. And did I mention he was a giant motherfucker? Because, yeah.

So you all know my reaction to cockroaches in general, when I am not naked and extremely vulnerable, so you can just imagine what ensued next. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to wrap a towel around myself, but if a towel hadn’t been handy, I seriously think I would have just gone naked. Into the hallway. Dripping. And shrieking.

Kate and E: (in bed, like any sane human.)

Me: (in hallway. Dripping. In a towel.) “KATE? KATE!”

Kate: (flying out of bedroom in fear that I might be dying.) “What???”

Me: (having “creature seizure”, in which all parts of my body were moving involuntarily and with absolutely no relation to each other.) “There (shake) there is, is… a cockroach… in the shower. With me. IT WAS WITH ME.”

E: (turns on light in bedroom.)

Kate: (calmingly. Also? Laughing.) “Ok, ok. I need a shoe.”

E: (blearily.) “Kate needs her shoes?”

Kate: “No. I need I your shoes.”

E: “Kate needs… my shoes?”

Me: (still shaking) “Cockroach! Shower! There!”

E: (catching on.) “Oh. Ok.”

So Kate and E arm themselves with a tennis shoe and paper towels, and march into my bathroom all brave and hero-like, (where yes, the shower? Totally still running.) I am following nervously behind, less “brave and hero-like” and more along the lines of “ineffectual pansy”.

Me: (totally still in my bedroom, refusing to even cross the threshold of the bathroom.) “It was on the curtain. Up to the right."

Kate and E: “We don’t see it.”

Me: (terrible, terrible thought occurs. Could roach be on me? Soul begins to die.)

Kate: “Whoa, there he is!”

Me: (Soul perks to life.)

Eric: “My god, he is HUGE!”

Me: (soul dies again.)

E: (Thwack.) “Oh. Hmm. He’s not going to fit down the drain, is he?”

Me: (contemplating life without soul.)

E: “Um… Kate? You deal with disposal. That is not in my job description.”

Me: (wait… there’s protocol now?) (Protocol! Drink!)

Toilet: (flush).

Kate: “You are safe now.”

So yes, I did actually return to the shower and finish, although I am still not completely comfortable. And if I highly recommend roommates who provide sushi, I really highly recommend roommates who will wake up in the middle of the night and kill creatures for you.

E mentioned that the roach probably crawled through the drain, which makes sense. (except for the part where he didn’t fit down it, but I am assuming he can squeeze his way into things). Especially since our building recently flooded. (A flooding that, unlike all the other flooding, was not caused by nature, but “sprinklers”, which to me means someone kicked a soccer ball at it. But maybe that’s just the college talking.) So in theory, my bathroom (which is clean! I swear! Clean and in no way attractive to dirty roaches!) is not actually infested with roaches, and he was just a one time thing. Just in case, however, I intend to spend some quality time this weekend in my bathroom introducing every available surface to its new best friend: bleach.

And nature? Can seriously go fuck itself.