Monday, February 26, 2007

I Am Not So Much Filled With Sunshine And Light, These Days

I am officially Unamused. Not so much by any one particular thing, but by life in general which has apparently conspired to make me angry and hate-filled. I… don’t know people. It’s just how it is. I think I terrified Peanut the other night when I very calmly explained my personal policy regarding what is basically my two current positions on life: either I can like and respect something, or I need to make you bleed. I don’t know where the polarity comes from, but, hi! I am all of a sudden angry and bloodthirsty! I am fun to be around! I swear!

Although I do have some ideas of where the anger comes from. (“Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear…”) (Sigh. Am crazy. But bonus points if you know where that quote is from.) For example, lets look at the fun in my life these days.

Law School: So I have a class with a professor who is absolutely batshit crazy in the good way. I’m not sure if I can explain what that means exactly, but he is tough and funny and pushes you and all in all it turns out enjoyable. And since most professors have pretty much realized that the Socratic method is stupid for night students (“Why didn’t you do the reading?”- “I was on-call at the hospital.”, or “I’m sorry, my doctoral thesis was due”, or, “My wife gave birth.” Seriously people, I am not one of these amazingly over-achievey type people, but they are out there, and in my classes.) we are usually “on call” for a day, wherein we are totally grilled about every little thing that day but then it is over and we can go back to surfing the internet. … Not that I do that, of course.

So I am on call tonight, and I spent all weekend doing reading and notetaking, and it appears that in my seemingly infinite stupidity I managed to pick the most complex, difficult, stupid subject in the world to be on call for. I knew I was in trouble when last class we hit a particularly complex issue and the professor said, “Yeah, this is almost as bad as what we are doing next week”. Then I opened the book and the first paragraph basically said, “We like to encourage law students to attempt to find a cohesive theory which makes sense of this, but we’re telling you upfront that one doesn’t actually exist. So really, just bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.” (I may be paraphrasing there.) So I am not looking forward to tonight even a little, tiny amount.


Oh, god.

Ok, first of all, I am really glad that my particular office is not engaged in something critical, like disaster response or keeping track of nuclear weapons or something, because that would require someone other than me to actually show up. Which… no one did. Because yesterday water fell from the sky, and we must all stay home and pay homage to the weather god so he doesn’t drop rocks on us or something next time. I don’t know, but it’s 36 degrees and hasn’t snowed in almost 24 hours, and I am just not feeling your “snow day”, people.

(See how empathetic and loving I am feeling towards my fellow man these days? Shut up. I hate everything.)

My boss is here for relatively few hours, and I have something that absolutely has to be done because it is a requirement from outside the agency. This report is my actual responsibility, and getting it done has been compromised by the following:

I don’t have access to the system I need access to,
Which is broken, anyway.

See how good my day has been?

So I am trying to get this thing accomplished, which is also problematic because then it needs approval, and everyone who needs to approve it is very important and they must spend much time analyzing every detail, no matter how many times I try to explain to them that the sum total of the changes I made amounts to: The Date. It says 2007 now, ok? No, I am not entirely 100% sure that the Roman Calendar was correct, and no, the fact that it is now the Year of the Pig does not need to be reflected in this, and could you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST SIGN IT, because it needs to be in the system by Friday and the system apparently only works .3% of the time. Sob.

This is made even worse by the fact that I hit print, and went to the printer, and the printer freaked right the fuck out, and every possible light was blinking and I swear to god it said: “EMO. Bad Communication.”

Y’all? My office equipment just went emo on me. You know what? I don’t like emo people, let alone office equipment, and to be honest there just aren’t enough people here for me to send my printer to therapy. Office equipment should not need interventions, is all I am saying.

Then I have this incredibly enlightening conversation with my boss:

Boss: "Put this on the website where the other one is."

Me: "The other one is not there."

Boss: "Is."

Me: "Isn't."

Boss: "IS."

Me: "Isn't. Look, I BUILT THE GODDAMN SITE. Is NOT. But, I could put it in HR's section."

Boss: "Wait! I have an idea! Put it in HR's section! Then we don't have to worry about whether it was there before."

Me: "Once again, your brilliance and independent thinking disarms me. Now resend it to me because the first version was all twisty."


Me: "This version is all twisty too."

Boss: (exasperated). "How twisty is it?"

(Proceed to all hang out over Boss’s computer and discuss relative "twistyness" of said document.)

So to sum up:

Tonight: On call for subject that by its own admission defies sense.
Report: Finally put together, being nitpicked by office.
Office Equipment: Cutting so it can feel.
Document: Posted. (Is still twisty.)

I need wine. And maybe a sledgehammer.

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