Wednesday, October 25, 2006

And S Once Again Gets Roped Into My Insanity

So the other day S came over to pick up varying bits of detritus that still live at my apartment, even though S himself has not lived in my apartment for like four years, and it was totally a different apartment anyway. So along with the computer that we built that never actually worked (sometimes I wonder if that was actually the goal- they break anyway, why not just build one that doesn’t work in the first place), I was finally able to give him the scary box. The scary box is where I put everything technology related when I moved apartments, because until then it had all just sat around the non-working computer like little computer orphans. I, of course, knew the real story, which is that it was not sitting there all sad and “We only want to help”, it was actually plotting, because technology is cunning and evil and a tad bit the drama queen. So I took everything and put it in a box and hid the box behind other boxes on the top shelf of my closet where the only way it could get revenge was by kamikaze-ing down onto my head. Which it did approximately once a month. For two years.

I’m not even kidding.

Meanwhile, in the rest of the house, technology was plotting and apparently breeding. As part of my “I am going to make this the most organized move in the history of moves so that unpacking actually takes negative time”, I decided to clean out my nightstand. The top drawer was pretty much normal, but I hadn’t really opened the bottom drawer in awhile. When I did, I found:

2 Skeins Yarn
2 Cheap Ashtrays
Approximately 7 cell phone headsets for phones I do not own any longer
4 pairs non-working headphones.

Y’all? I have no idea where these wires are from. I have no idea what these wires do. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that I initially only had 2 wires and they have been having their fun in the drawer for the past 18 months. So what did I do with the wires? Seeing as I have no idea what they do, I probably should have gotten rid of them, but they are technology, and along with being scary, technology has a way of being important. (Not until the day after you throw it out, but I am hedging my bets here). So I did with it what I do with all technology, as evidenced above: neatly folded the wires and put them in a box.

So S is getting the computer and he has Box Of Technology #1, and he asks me if I still have the mouse I bought. Which I did! But… I didn’t know where. And then it hit me…

Yes, the mouse was in Box Of Technology #3, which was also filled with renegade wires and things, and was on the top shelf of a different closet. Y’all, seriously, technology scares the shit out of me. But technology? So does not scare the shit out of S. S has technology’s number, he does. So I instantly drafted S to play a fun game with me entitled: Look at the Boxes of Technology and Tell Me What Things Do. That went something like this:

Me: “Look! Technology! What does it do?”

S: “Well, ok, this is a USB cable. So is this. So is… ok, you have a lot of these.”

Me: “But those are occasionally useful! And sneaky. Because I have so many because I keep buying new ones because they hide.”

S: “Ok, I can go with anthropomorphizing the technology.”

Me: “What does this do?”

S: “That’s a midi cable.”

Me: (blank stare).

S: “This… I think this is mine, actually.”

Me: “Take it! Take whatever you want! Ooh, I recognize that! I have more of those!”

S: “You have… more of these?”

Me: “Yes! In the other Box of Technology!”

S: “You…. You have another box???”

Me: “Yes! I will get it.” (gets box). “Here! All technology! Except the handcuffs.”

S: “I.. ok.”

Me: “So what do these do?”

S: “They make stuff talk to your TV.” (He knows how to talk to me.)

Me: “Are they useful?”

S: “Well, they can be…”

Me: “Good. I have seven.”

S: “You have… seven. Good lord. Ok.”

Me: (holds up strange foreign cable.) “What’s this?”

S: “I have no idea. I not only do not know what this is, I can’t even fathom a guess as to why something like this would ever exist.”

Me: “Genetic mutation.”

So we went through all my technology, and now I am down to one box, and S asked if he could have the other box to take stuff home in, and I said sure, because I am cool like that. And then I looked at the box.

Me: “S? You want to know what is really funny?”

S: “That’s my box, isn’t it?”

Yep. So see, even subconsciously I know that all things Technology belong with S, and far, far the Hell away from me.

But if anyone wants to come over, I still have one box and a mystery cord!