Monday, December 05, 2005

At Least I Don't Have Shoulder Pads

Hi! In case y’all were wondering, I have been studying for finals and planning office door decorating coups and have basically fully lost my damn mind. I am completely and totally Batshit Crazy. I mean, we’re talking Tom Cruise level crazy here. I want to jump on a couch and “celebrate” the “magnificence” of everything!

No, not really.

But I am sort of losing it, in that I-haven’t-slept-brain-fried-from-studying-have-eaten-nothing-but-pizza-for-days kind of way. In the kind of way that made me show up for work today- an hour late- dressed kind of like an 80’s punk rocker.

See, it all began with the pants. My favorite winter pants, because they are soft and stretchy and warm but still look fairly professional. These are my go to winter pants. Except one night a few weeks ago, when it started to get cold, I realized my pants were gone. They were just… not there. At ALL. Not in any drawers. Not in closet. Not under the bed. And this was highly disturbing because… who loses a pair of pants? I mean, really. It’s not like it would have been impossible in my past, but since the whole law school thing I definitely haven’t been doing anything nearly fun enough to result in the loss of a pair of pants. I was bereft. And a little freaked out, because where the fuck were my pants??

I decided that clearly I must have left them in Vancouver last Christmas, and when I got to my parents new house in Texas I would simply request them back, from where they would be hanging, freshly washed, in a closet. This was a good idea in theory- such a good idea that I truly believed this to be the case, until I went home and my mother didn’t have the foggiest idea what I was talking about. No matter how many times I drunkenly alternately accused my mother of stealing my pants or begged her to give me back my pants, she was adamant that not only did she not have my pants, but she didn’t even know what pants I was talking about, and she was a little worried about the fact that someone who purports to be a professional adult cannot even keep track of what is, honestly, a pretty essential piece of clothing. I mean, hoodie- easy to lose. But pants??

Anyway, (GOD this is taking a really, really long time to tell what is, in essence, a pretty short and dull story) I solved the Mystery of The Missing Pants (was that an Encyclopedia Brown book?) Saturday night. You know how your mind will struggle to resist things you are trying to teach it? So you can remember every single damn word to the toothpaste jingle from 1987 but still don’t know what the capital of Arizona is? Well this happened to me, as I was desperately trying to get corporate federal and state claims straight (14a! 10b5! Auer v. Dressler!) my mind was running away, blithely frolicking in pretty fields and thinking, “Citycat, don’t you remember, in the scary messy closet, in the suitcase you don’t use, inside the other suitcase you don’t use, where you packed up winter clothes last spring? Lalalala.”


This caused a mad rush to the closet, hopelessly confusing the cat, and I found the suitcase, and the pants! And other pants! So yay!

So today. Pile of clothing still in middle of room, but is ok because another aspect of these pants is that they don’t ever wrinkle. And they are brown, so I throw on this brown and white sweater, except… the sweater maybe has a really large neckline? And it is really cold? So I grab one of my wifebeaters and throw that on underneath.**

(** Note on wifebeaters. This happened in Texas. I have no other excuse. They are lovely, they are cheap, and I wore them nearly every single day. Grey Goose and I both wore them, causing most people to think we were sisters, possibly twins, and one guy to actually think we were the same person, with some sort of superpowers to be everywhere at once, until SD explained that, “No, there are two of them”. So I have a huge pile of wifebeaters in my closet and I wear them and it is love.)

Anyway, I ran to the bathroom a few minutes ago, and… Well see, Kate was driving in from home last night, and I can’t sleep Sundays anyway, so we watched Desperate Housewives kinda late, and there may have been wine, and I got to bed at about three, so I was tired this morning, and there are no mirrors IN my office, so I see myself in the bathroom mirror, and…

Hair is in a disturbingly high and also slightly off center ponytail, and I have bangs that are not so much “behaving” or “looking cool and polished” and are more so “Being spikey and going quite well with the SIDE PONYTAIL you are rocking there”, and the Sweater Of The Giant Neckline has settled off one shoulder, totally showing the wifebeater underneath, and I love the pants but I kinda have a square toed platform shoe on, and all and all I could never forgive myself if it wasn’t finals and I wasn’t Batshit Crazy.

If anyone wants to send me a big clunky charm bracelet, I’ll be all set.