Monday, August 15, 2005

You Shouldn't Really Leave Me Alone Too Often

**Disclaimer: This entry makes very, very little linear sense. It is more stream of consciousness, and more "stream" than "consciousness". Just letting y'all know.**

So I did not go to the beach this weekend, namely because of this conversation:

Me: "The good news (hack, hack, cough) is that (COUGH COOOOUGH) because I haven't been feeling well, I haven't (HAAACK) smoked in almost a week!"

E: "The bad news is, your lungs are trying to escape through your chest".

Hmm. He had a point. And I was siiiick. I mean, these were not gentle little "Oh woe is me" coughs. These were the kind of coughs where I sounded like a great dane. A protective great dane whose house is being broken into and whose owner is being stabbed. I wasn't aware that I could make noises like these, I tend to be somewhere around a tenor and last week I could have sung bass for the opera. And since it really isn't fun to be out sick, and its even less fun to be out with someone who is sick, I did everyone a favor and stayed home.

Friday was my day off and I was sick, but also, bored, so I decided to cook dinner for myself, E and Kate. So I went to the grocery store and bought all the groceries and I was so excited and domestic and I had the recipe on my computer and then....

My Computer Died.

Now, you already know that I firmly believe that computers are run by gnomes, and these gnomes are generally angry, but this gnome? The gnome that runs my computer? Is PISSED. And my computer? Is dead. This? This is not good, folks. This is especially not good when I am sick and alone for the weekend because Kate and E went out of town.

Friday night was fun, I hung out with SuperGirl. And can I just say- SuperGirl is awesome. First off, SuperGirl awesome because we can drink several bottles of wine, then move onto tequila, THEN move onto beer, talking the whole time, and then suddenly realize the SUN IS RISING and it is six o'clock in the damn morning. But SuperGirl is also awesome because she has the most developed sense of Girl Code of anyone I have ever met and she is absolutely incredible with the loyalty and the sensing when people are being complete assholes and not falling for the BS. And although all of this is in reference to a situation that ended months ago, I still totally appreciate the back up, even if at the time I wasn't aware of it.

(And on a side note, Friday night we happened to watch part of the documentary on the BTK killer. (Because what is a Friday night without serial killers?) And... and... ok people, you know of my love affair with google. But even I couldn't believe this one. The cops? Caught the BTK killer by googling him. They GOOGLED him. DNA evidence? Failed. State of the art police techniques? Failed. Google???? Google worked. My worship is complete).

So anyway, I went to bed around 7 am Saturday morning and slept most of the day. And then Saturday there was a marathon of Little House on the Prairie. And I have to admit (well, first of all, no. No, I don't have to admit this, but I am going to admit this, because the whole purpose of this blog seems to be to embarrass myself for the entertainment of close friends and a handful of complete strangers. I don't know why.), but ANYWAY, I am admitting here that I? I am not emotionally stable enough for Little House on the Prairie. I am fully aware that it is preachy campy overwritten badly acted nonsense, and I am also equally aware that I spent about two hours SOBBING HYSTERICALLY Saturday night. It was so bad that I had to turn off the marathon and force myself to watch Comedy Central because I literally was so devastated by Little House on the Prairie that I was afraid for my mental condition if I watched any more. Then I watched a horror movie on Sci Fi.

Y'all? I should NOT watch horror movies when I am all by myself. I'm just saying.

So after cleaning the entire apartment, doing 5 loads of laundry, and watching another 2 hours of comedy central, I stopped freaking out at every shadow and blaming the cat for sneaking up on me and was able to go to bed.

Which brings us to Sunday, when S came over to attempt to mollify the pissed off gnome, because this is what he does as his JOB. This is pretty much how that went:

S: "Oh, ok, there is an application that is crapping out. We'll just find that by booting your computer in safe mode. So here... damn. Missed it. So... damn. Missed it. So... WHERE THE HELL IS THE SAFE MODE SCREEN. Ok. Jesus. There is is.

Me: "Is it fixed yet?"

S: "No. Now let me just look this up and... whoa. You actually have something completely brand new on your computer. Even google has never heard of it."

Me: "What? No. Not possible. Google knows everything. If google doesn't know it it must be evil. GET RID OF THE EVIL".

S: "I am working on it, just delete, and... there. Should be all.... Fuck."

Me: "Fuck?! That means... It isn't fixed. At ALL."

S: "Yes, I am aware that it isn't fixed... But this is a different problem, so I will just fixed that and... hmmm."

Me: "Hmm?? Hmm is not good. Hmmm is only a very small step up from "fuck". You? Are supposed to be with the fixing, not with the "hmm-ing".

S: "Yes. Well. See, you know how before it had a failure of some sort then went to the blue screen of death?"

Me: "Yes."

S: "Well.... well now it just goes right to the blue screen of death."

Me: "That is not FIXED. That is WORSE. GNOME IS ANGRY."

S: "Yes, well, we can just reload Windows. Are you running XP Home?"

Me: "Sure."

S: "No, not 'sure', is that your system or not?"

Me: (blank stare).

S: "Do you have an install disk?"

Me: "Yes! Here!"

S: "What is it?"

Me: "No idea! It's yours!"

S: "Christ. No wonder the gnome hates you. Ok, so we just do this and... Gah!"

Me: "GAH!?!?! Gah is worse that hmm! WHAT DOES GAH MEAN??? Oh, for the love of... don't tell me. Just Don't. Tell. Me. I will just operate in safe mode."

S: "Um... about that. Gah? Gah kind of means.... yourcomputerdoesn'truninsafemodeeither."

Me: "My computer doesn't... wait, WHAT? It ran in safe mode BEFORE YOU MESSED WITH IT. WHAT DID YOU DO?"

S: "I... I don't know. I will research this particular flaw and get back to you".

Me: (weeps).

So my computer is broken, which means I may be spotty with the updating, until S can do more research and determine exactly what sort of bribes it is going to take to make the gnome go off strike and do his damn job.

Any ideas out there?