Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Sometimes I Give Advice

A friend of mine e-mailed earlier mentioning that she was ending a relationship tonight and did any of her girls have any advice? She then e-mailed me and told me that I should make my response to her a blog entry, and I thought, "Hey! Free Entry!", as in, Entry That Is Totally Already Typed, and decided to go for it. So here is my breakup advice:

"Well... good for you. Really, I mean it is good that you are taking matters into you own hands are are able to do it with a semblance of sanity and this time it does NOT involve a princess movie with jewelry porn and K and I trying to convince you to break up while we are all in the car together.

Advice? Hmm. Since I am REALLY, REALLY bad with break ups, I will pretty much tell you things that A. I Always Plan on Doing, or B. Keep Swearing To Myself I Will Do Next Time, but most likely C. Have Never Actually Done Successfully. So here goes.

1. Make it short. Forget the sweet. Avoid a long drawn out emotional nonsense conversation. Avoid making inane excuses, because he will argue against them, and you will really have no good argument back because those aren't the actual, you know, reasons, and eventually you will either feel totally stupid or you will become unable to resist the urge to just shout: "FINE. YOU ARE RIGHT. IT IS NOT ME. IT IS NOT THE TIMING, OR MY "OWN ISSUES". IT IS YOU. IT IS THE FACT THAT YOU NOW VAGUELY REPULSE ME. GO NOW." This? This is not good break up technique.

2. Neutral ground. Or his place, if you are confident. Sounds silly, but if it gets clingy, you want the option to leave. Also, preferably someplace without a bed. Even if you don't want to sleep with him, you probably will, and that will be bad.

3. If he cries, it is mean to roll your eyes, leave the room, get a box of tissues, throw them at his head, and snap at him to "Pull [him]self together, [you'll] be in the next room". So, you probably shouldn't do that.

4. Just stand your ground, don't take shit, and number one, DON'T FEEL GUILTY. People don't all love each other. They don't always love each other back. You were honest and up front with him. Everyone has the right to NOT be with someone they do not want to be with. Unfortunately, you don't automatically have the right TO be with someone, if that person doesn't agree. In this particular relationship equation, he loses. Simple as that. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you are sorry he feels bad. But that is life, and you are not wrong. Just try to remember that, and it'll be ok.