Tuesday, July 26, 2005

If You Don't Know, Just Make It Up.

How or why this became the Theme of the Weekend, I do not know. While I do have to say it is generally a better Theme of the Weekend than some previous ones, (ie. The Get Drunk and Fall Down Weekend, or the Drink Champagne Until Your Feet No Longer Work Weekend,) I sincerely hope that it does not remain the Theme of the Weekend for very long. Because, y'all, nothing makes jumping out of a moviing vehicle at 70 mph more appealing than four hours of conversation where no one has even the faintest idea of what the Hell they are talking about.

This... this is actually probably my fault. Because as we were driving home from the beach two weeks ago, I looked out the window and noticed all the farms and crops we were passing. And my mind started wandering to private farms and aggrobusiness and the Estate Tax's effect on farms and all manner of things relatively uninteresting to anyone else, and then I realized that I was hungover and hey, those thoughts are far too complicated for my poor post-Dewey brain, and I decided to concentrate on the easy question of Identifying Crops.

Y'all? That is SO not an easy question.

A week, much conversation between K and I, and several google image searches later, we still did not have the foggiest clue what the hell these people in Delaware are growing. And we had come to realize the depth of our ignorance, in that we didn't even know enough to make educated guesses, or even ask educated questions, or even, for the most part, form complete sentences. It was all, "There! Corn! I recognize corn! And... cows. I know the cows. And the mule! Aw, the mule. Or, or maybe it's a donkey. Well.... not a horse, anyway. And, and, ooh. Look! The farmer is driving the... thing. And the thing is doing... something... to the... grow-y stuff. What could it.... OH! I remember in Little House on the Prairie they jumped on wheat!"

What we should have done is let this die. We did not let this die. Instead, we waited until a week later, when we had RockStar in the car with us, and decided to ask her what the crops were. This was a mistake for several reasons, the biggest one being, RockStar LIES. So we are in the car, having the following conversation:

Me: "Maybe RockStar knows about the crops!"

K: "Oh! Yeah, RockStar- what are they growing?"

RockStar: "That's corn."

K and I: "Yeah. Thanks. We knew THAT one."

RockStar: "Oh. Well. I do know that the big things? They are for water."

Me: "Big... things? Like, the big building things or the big oil rig like things or just the giant metal spiderweb things?"

RockStar: "What?"

K: "Yes! The Water Things! Now Rockstar, what is that?" (points to entirely unidentifiable field of crops that also look like they have mini pine trees growing in them).

RockStar: (in totally confident, I Am Not Making This Up Voice) "Those are strawberries."

K and I: "Oh. Strawberries?"

RockStar: "Yes. Haven't you ever been strawberry picking?"

Me: "Yes...."

K: "Well, I have picked strawberries before, but I never... I mean I never participated in like, an orgainized thing."

Me: "Me neither. I mean, with the organized. I just... there were strawberries once and... OOh! What's that?"

RockStar: "Hedges."

K and I: "Hed... HEDGES??"

RockStar: "Yes. Those are clearly hedges."

Me: (thinking... "But you don't... farm....hedg....")

K: "B! She is just making stuff up!"

RockStar: "No, no I am not."

K: "Fine then. What is that?"

RockStar: "Um... That? That is... Apple trees. Baby ones."


RockStar: "Well, I knew about the water thing."

K: "Look! They... plowed? Harvested? Took the crops away from this field. Maybe it was grain? Because, (points to squatty oval buildings with pointy tops in distance) isn't that a gran... a grainer... a grain... a SOMETHING with grain in it?"

Me: "Mmm, a grain silo? I don't know."

K: "What do you think is in that long whicte building with no windows?"

RockStar and I: .............................

K: "Chickens. I bet it is chickens."

Me: "I was thinking hothouse tomatoes, but... yes, there could be... chickens.... Oh THANK GOD. MORE CORN. MORE GLORIOUSLY RECOGNIZABLE CORN."

RockStar: "And sunflowers!"

K: "RockStar? That is... corn. Not... flowers."

RockStar: "No, no. Over there!"

K: "Oh, yeah."

RockStar: So, do all sunflowers make seeds you can eat?"

K and I: (confidently) "Yes!" (turn to each other) "Yes?"

RockStar: "But are you sure that is corn? Because where is the... corn part?"

K and I: "RockStar, for the LOVE of GOD, corn is the ONLY THING we even have the SLIGHTEST CONFIDENCE in our knowledge in, and that is CORN GODDAMNIT, and WE do not KNOW where the CORN PART IS but it HAS to be CORN or we will CRASH THIS CAR INTO A TREE."

RockStar: "Oh. Well. I guess when it gets riper the corn... silk... stuff... gets bigger?"

Me: "Bigger... corn silk?"

K: "We have No. Idea. what we are talking about."

RockStar: "Do you like pate?"

K and I: (Double take. But thank god we are on a new topic). "

K: "Yes, I purchase pate. And I enjoy it."

Me: "I don't like the goose liver kind."

RockStar: "What do you like?"

Me: "I don't... Just not the... goose liver kind? Maybe I just don't like pate."

RockStar: "Me neither. I think it tastes like cat food."

K: (opens her mouth to ask the question).

Me: (grabs K's arm and says quietly) "Please. I beg you not to ask. Just Let it go."

K: "Gooood call".

This type of conversation went on for literally four hours. I was tired when I got to the beach. Tired and very, very confused. So if any of you? Readers? Know what crops are generally grown around 404 in Delaware, on the way to the beach, and you actually know the answer and are not going to LIE about HEDGES and BABY TREES, please, PLEASE leave me a comment and let me know!